Only a Week

I have been back in the states for only 5 days and I’m still processing my week in El Salvador. Its funny how even though I was there for a week, I am still taking a good while to process what happened. (Yes, there is a popular conversation among Christian circles about short-term missions and if they are still effective or not, but that is a whole another can of worms) I am talking about how in that short week and the relationships I started can spark a week or even a month of me reflecting and basking in the memories. I found myself zoning out in the beauty of the view of the volcanoes and wondering how I could be looking at God’s beauty and not be awed. I caught myself several times to stop the tears whenever a flashback from my childhood overwhelmed my mind. I questioned myself what was I do now that I have heard different voices.

What am I to do with all this knowledge? What am I to do with all this experience?

We arrived back in Indiana on Tuesday morning at 1:30am. I had class all day from 9am to 4pm. At 10:30am, I found myself lying on my bed. I hit a wall. Physically and emotionally, I was done.

What was I suppose to do? What just happened? What do I do now?

I was back to asking myself the same questions a year ago when I was experiencing re-entry from my semester abroad. Yes, it was only a week. Technically a week is not even a scratch on the service when it comes to culture shock. It will take at least a month for the “touristic” feeling to wear off and reality hits you in the face. But in this specif past week, different emotions and memories were triggered. Lying on my bed, I couldn’t move. Not only was I sick to my stomach but my mind was stuck. I felt frustrated.

Shouldn’t I be use to this? My whole life I have been faced with cross-cultural experiences. Ever since I was 6 months old, my mother would take me back to my roots in Guatemala. Now I am 23 years old and still seeking out my identity. I should be a pro at this. The funny thing is I am not.

Fast forward a couple of days, I am back to my “old self” again. I am even working out again and taking warm showers. But I’m still wondering. I’m still thinking. I’m still processing. I have this incredible desire to throw my thesis into the garbage, fill my backpack with clean underwear and anti-diarrhea pills and jump on the next plane to Guatemala or Costa Rica. Yet a part of me is so relieved to be back in my comfy bed and carpeted floors. I guess what my main point is that I feel as though I am split into two different people. The adventurous Lima that says “Pura Vida” and backpacks through Latin America and then there is the settled Lima that enjoys easy access to materialism and Starbucks. I am not stating that balances these both sides is not a major struggle. Yes, it’s hard but it’s who I am. It is who I am created to be. What I am required to do is embrace them and continue to seek out how to live these two sides in the will of God.

He has placed me in this context for a reason. His glory shines through all of this.

There is a reason why my parents immigrated to the states in the 70’s.

There is a reason why I was born in southern California and raised in New Hampshire.

There is a reason why I am a first-generation graduate student.

There is a reason why I am in Indiana.